10 years.

10 years ago, my life came to a grinding halt. I stopped working. I stopped caring.
My grandmother dying was so unexpected for me that everything I knew about life became insignificant. I thought about the tragedy every minute of every day for months.
Today is the 10 year anniversary of her death and all day, I haven't been able to think of much else.
I know this is rather serious and may be a bit of a downer to some but I need to be able to get my feelings out somehow.
Life just sucks sometimes, you know. You feel like this one moment:

and the next you feel like this:

and then at the end of the road, you always end up feeling like this, no matter what goes down:

I guess, what I'm trying to say here through gifs is that although you may want to breeze through life unharmed, it just ain't gunna happen. It sucks for everyone. Even the perfect people you think have everything they could ever want. They don't. They are in the same boat as you. As everyone. Right now I feel like shit but there are so many other people who feel the same, right at this very moment. That shouldn't be a good thing but it somehow makes me feel slightly better.
BTW, I have a scratched cornea so I have to wear an eye patch, pirate style for the next two days. If you feel worse than me, doubt it, but if you do, think about that and it will probably make you feel better.
WAAAAAAHHHHH!
Life, why can't yo just fuck off. Like seriously. Fuck off.
 = Me

*Cringe*

OK.
Alright, alright. I know. I've been bad. What has it been? A month? A month and a week... or three. : /
Who knows right?
Well anyway, I just couldn't. I had waaaayyyy to much to do. Give me a break.
I was trying to think of a clever, witty story to tell you recently, and I came across an old yearbook from when I was 6... oh yes.
So I had a flick through, reminiscing about the old times. I then turned the page to my class photo.
You know when you see a photo of someone and they're like, "Oh, no! That's a terrible photo! I'm so embarrassed!" *blush* but then you see it and it's like a modelling agency came in to coach them into the perfect pose and you're just kind of sitting there like this...

So basically I'm scanning through all the kids to find good 'ol me and stop when I see someone doing a mix
of these:
  
Try it. Seriously. *Warning* The results may be too beautiful for you to handle, good luck. I'm not even exaggerating. Everyone one else looks adorable or they're strategically looking away from the camera. Some are even backwards! What?
Well not me. I had to go all Mitt Romney on their asses.
So after I had a little chuckle to myself, I started to realise that 1st grade sucked for me. Actually, most of my school years have sucked. I got stung by a bee on my first day. People didn't understand what I was saying because of my New Zealand accent. I had one friend.
Not a good time. Not a good time.
Those years, from when you start school to when you graduate high school are so fucking awkward, I can't even deal. You don't know what you like, who you are, where you want to go. It's ridiculous. It really is.
But once you get past them, oh my, it's wonderful.
I mean, everyone has their ups and downs, sure. I have 20 everyday. But life, in the end, is great. It's so fucking great.

It's Better.

OK.
So basically, I started this blog because my life was at a stand-still. I had a small group of friends who I would tell everything to. I had no love life whatsoever. My grades were good, not great. And life was fine. Fine.
I started to wonder what I could do to spruce things up and a blog popped into my mind. Why not? It could be anonymous so I could say whatever I wanted to without face to face judgment. I could write what I want, when I want. Diaries were never my cup of tea and blogging seemed like the next logical step.
I had quite a few stories up my sleeve and things that I wanted to vent so I went for it.
As of a couple of months ago, I've made a few changes and feel that I should share them with you.
They are good changes. Great even. I feel happier. I feel cool and like I fit in which, for me, hasn't always been the case.
I was at a party of one of these close friends and there was this guy. Not just any guy. THE guy. It sounds cliche, I know. But when it actually happens, cliche is the furthest thing from my mind.
I told him, straight up, with a little influence from some alcohol might I add, that I had feelings for him and it turns out, he felt the same way. As of now, he is indeed my boyfriend and I couldn't be happier with the way things turned out. I can't imagine it any other way now and if I never said anything, if I didn't get off my ass and changed what I wanted to change about my life then who knows where I would be right now.
Sometimes, saying how you feel about something, anything, will benefit you enormously.
Because I realized that saying and doing what I want really isn't that scary, I have made many more friends and am not invisible anymore.
I am trying harder in school, and as a result, achieving high marks that I am very proud of.
Life isn't fine anymore
Life is the best it could possibly be.
I am really living now.
I don't feel scared to just do something and whatever the outcome, good or bad, I can handle it.
What have I been waiting for?
Fuck.
It's Better

Summer Camp Hell.

OK.
When I was 8-11, I went to a little thing called summer camp every year. For the first couple of years, it was a day camp, meaning that I could escape the wrath of the older cabin popular's at the end of the day. I would almost scream at them by the end of the summer, "I'm free bitches! Suck my d _ _ k!" and pelvic thrust that joint to the ground (see pelvic thrusting lady from a couple of posts ago. It's quite fitting here).
Unfortunately, that was not the case. I would see them again, walking around the halls of my school, not outright taunting me but close enough. They would squint their perfectly made up eyes and give me a little smile, as fake as their nose.
You may think that I am over exaggerating, but no. This was Southampton, one of the richest towns in the state, if not the whole country and every girl and her mother had fake everything.
After camp, whenever I would see them around, I would be reminded of what they were like at camp such as Christina Lee-Neknez, the evil leader, who would riffle through my bag and take out the spare pair of underwear my mom had always packed and run around with it, yelling, "*****'s got granny panties, *****'s got granny panties!"
After a stint like that, I would hide on the field until my counselor, Megan, found me. She was wonderful. She actually outright admitted to hating Neknez and her posse, saying, and I quote, (I will never forget this for as long as I live) "Those fake bitches don't have nothing on you." She was my savior. I don't think I could have gotten through camp without her.
One day, my dad had packed me a bagel with lots of butter on it. I was really excited because my parents never bought bagels for some reason and I LOVED them to death. I went to the bathroom before lunch and came back to the cabin to find Kayla Matters (she didn't matter at all to me) eating the butter off of my bagel. Who does that? No wonder she was so fat. She ate butter! This is where it gets interesting people. Prepare yourselves.
I snatched the bagel from her hands and rubbed it all over her face, leaving it greasy, essentially making her grosser then before. (I hadn't imagined that possible. You see, she smelled like a wet dog that had just rolled around in an unidentifiable brown skid-mark on the sidewalk...) before I proceeded to shove the bagel shreds I had ripped up in anger down her flowery dress and into her premature bra. I pushed her down and stormed out of that joint. I think I just walked home. I'm not entirely sure. I may have stopped for a milkshake or something to celebrate...
I didn't go back after that.
Whenever I saw Kayla Matters around school, she actually looked scared. She would divert her eyes to the floor and sometimes, travel a different route just to avoid me. I felt like such a boss, not gunna lie.

When I was eleven, I went to sleepaway camp. This round was much better then the last. It had its not so great moments, such as the time when I hadn't learned to use tampons yet (I developed rather early) and went swimming with a pad... Not the best idea that has crossed through my mind, I must say. It also had its great moments, such as my friend, Shannon. We were like two peas in a funky pod. I did lose touch with her and somehow couldn't get back in touch but I still have the memories.
All in all, camp was kind of suckish. It wasn't really my cup of tea but I did it and still live with the mental scars. Luckily, I never have to see Neknez and Matters ever again. Those bitches.
It Could Be Better

Shrewd Mercury...

OK.

"Why June is your month to be honest. Birthday girl, get ready to toss some baggage. A new moon in Gemini on the 8th is your chance to push restart. Begin with your wallet, as Jupiter slides into your money house. Close out credit cards you rarely use. Then think about a big ticket item you want, and work on that savings plan."

Alright, alright, I may not have a solid argument here, but seriously, what does Jupiter have to do with money? And what does "slides into your money house" even mean? What's a money house? A bank? Is the largest planet in our solar system going to crash in a bank? That sounds major. Did the news forget to mention this?

Why isn't that on the news instead of Angelina Jolie having a double mastectomy? Sure, that's cool of her I guess but why is she more important then anyone else who has done the same thing and actually suffered the disease? 

Anyway, I guess you know now that I don't particularly agree with the science behind horoscopes (and Angelina Jolie for that matter). 

I'm sorry but planets do not have personalities besides the ones we give them. "Shrewd Mercury," "Idealistic Neptune," and "Realistic Saturn." Right, yes. You wouldn't want to bump into Mercury now would you. I hear they're a bit shrewd. Stear clear of that seed. 

Hmmm... OK. 

There is no correlation between your emotions and the planets. Maybe people actually believe it. Maybe people read them to get given direction in life. Maybe people read them to have a little confidence boost so they can actually tell that guy they like that they do in fact like them. Who knows.

All I know is that when I see the horoscope page coming up on the horizon of Glamour I prepare to turn the page so fast, paper-cuts are expected. 

You shouldn't need an inanimate object to tell you what to do. 

If you want to discard a credit card you hardly use then do it. 

If you want to have heart-to-hearts with the people in your life that matter (hop to it, apparently, June is the time to because all seven planets are in the water signs now) then do it, time doesn't matter. If you can't do it without someone telling you to, then you're wasting your own time, and someone's you care about.

In the end, time is one of the few things we can't control ourselves and it is lost too damn easy. We need to be able to step up and direct our decisions within the small amount of time we are given. 

It Could Be Better

Joy (dog, not feeling)

OK.
I finally have my first job! Suck it bitches!

OK, you can stop sucking it now and listen to my tales of walking Joy everyday.
When I first saw her, a few thoughts ran through my mind, one being, "Stop feeding this animal!" Seriously, she is so fat, I probably couldn't wrap my arms around her middle.
She's a collie and is 13. Technically, 91 in human years! She moves fast for an old lady...
There are a few perks, like the exercise. Can't complain I guess.
Also, her poop! That sounds weird, I realize now but compared to Winnie's poop, it's like jelly beans!
One thing I am not enjoying is the state of my feet. I feel that by the end of my three month walking service, they will have to be amputated or something. Is there a such thing as too much walking? By the time I take off my socks at the end of the day, they look like a bloated fat kid's double neck, if it had toes...
By the time I fall asleep, they are beating. You know that feeling you get in your hands when you close them tight and your heartbeat pulses through them? Yeah, that.
I hate that.
It's only been a week too!
I also have no time to relax anymore. I don't know how people attend university and have multiple jobs at the same time. I have no time for anything. I feel so stressed. The only calm moment is when I get paid.
Ahhh. Money. How I love you.
The actually walking Joy part is pretty sweet though. She starts off trotting briskly, pulling me out the door, causing me to jog but then stop and walk but then jog again because her trot is just too fast to walk to but too slow to go any faster comfortably. By the end of the walk though, she has slowed down, like me.
Overall, job verdict: ...eh.
It Could Be Better

I'm stuck in a cage. And there is no way out.

OK.
I'm going to write about something a little more personal today.
I have a skin condition/disease/whatever. The doctors that I've been to (and I've been to a lot of them) say that that is not what it is but I know it is. I have every symptom there is of this specific condition. There is no cure. The treatments suck balls (or at least the ones I've been given). The doctors don't seem to know or do anything that helps me in the slightest.
"That's your job! Why are you not doing your job," I want to scream at them.
I'm stuck.
I don't know what to do or if I should do anything at all.
I've stopped going to the doctors and to seek treatment because it is not life threatening (at least not yet) but gradually it gets worse. Little by little. I'm embarrassed to show anyone or even tell you the symptoms because I am afraid you will all put the pieces together and connect the dots to the truth, which somehow, I can't bear the thought of. I don't want you to see what I have.
I don't know what to do.
I'm thinking of going back to the doctors to see if something will change this time around. Maybe this time they won't be useless and give me some treatment that will actually work. Maybe they will actually diagnose it and tell me what I've already known for years. I don't know. I just don't know. I am so so scared of what will happen if I do nothing. From what I've read, it is good to catch it early and I have but it's not like I've done nothing. I did try to get help and to treat it but no creams, pills or even surgery helped me so why go back to people I know will be a waste of my time and money.
Why can't they just do their job? Just do what you were trained to. Just fucking help me!
It Could Be so much fucking Better